December 2011
2 posts
“nubtleties and suances”
– as opposed to subtleties and nuances
“yeah - we could do it, but it’d be rigged and probably wouldn’t...”
– my mom, in response to my saying we could make a room divider around the baby’s crib by ourselves
November 2011
1 post
“You know that story about the person who was so gullible, that someone told them...”
October 2011
1 post
“You’re good no matter what you do, but you’re better when you do...”
– unconditional love (my mom to her grandson)
June 2011
3 posts
“That felt just like a martini!”
– my grandmother, after getting off a county fair ride she was afraid of but I convinced her to go on (from the archives, recorded circa mid-2000’s)
“Every day, with rare exception, I have a martini. The exception is when I have...”
– my grandmother (from the archives, recorded circa 2003; knowing I recorded it, she has, on occasion, said, just before her daily martini, something to the effect of, “I don’t *really* want this martini, but I don’t want my granddaughter to think I’m a liar.”)
“It’s the greatest thing to always know what your name is.”
– my grandmother
May 2011
3 posts
“In this economy, you can’t just go sticking quarters in people’s...”
– Lauren
“I know he’s a recovering crack addict, but why would he steal my bungee...”
– Non-Sequiturs In Action (Vanessa)
“Of all the Asian restaurants, this one fills up your water glass the least...”
– Non-Sequiturs In Action (Theresa)
February 2011
3 posts
“We keep having the same baby.”
– my cousin Rob, on how all our babies (and us as babies) look alike
“There are two kinds of people in this world: those who think there are two kinds...”
– Alyson
“I couldn’t believe my body was capable of making a penis.”
– Laura (on having a son)
December 2010
4 posts
“i’m glad i’ve never had the desire to hunt dinosaurs”
– Leonor
“it must be global frosting…which is not only an environmental concern, but...”
– Skip
“She climbed her way to the top—of a man.”
– Skip, on Ayn Rand
“I don’t have the energy it would take to reassess my opinion of you.”
– Skip, upon learning I haven’t seen Star Wars
November 2010
1 post
Vee: I want my baby to look like the baby from "Grosse Pointe Blank".
Michael: Fix it in post.
October 2010
4 posts
“The vast majority of quantum physicists are chefs.”
– Skip
“Do they filter it through a driveway?”
– Skip, wondering how a wine could have a “gravelly finish”
“I will never, ever taken a sandwich for granted.”
– Vanessa, pondering her wheat allergy gone into remission
“You went to Africa with my dentist.”
– Jenny, greeting someone she’d heard about but hadn’t before met
September 2010
5 posts
“Gender confusion is more distressing than fire.”
– Vanessa
“I eat like I don’t know where my mouth is.”
– Olivia
Romy: my steak is ohio shaped!
Skip: I've always felt that Ohio is steak-shaped.
Kurt: That looks like a nice restaurant.
Vanessa: Yeah, like nice, nice.
Kurt: Like, too nice for us.
Vanessa: Like, lobster-bisque nice.
Kurt: Like, "May I help you?" nice.
Vanessa: Like, "You can't wear those shoes in here" nice.
“You had the intuition and dignity to like Micky Dolenz…”
– Jenny
August 2010
2 posts
“Men have cycles, too. They just don’t involve bleeding. Well, they...”
– Lee & Vanessa
“It’s not that I’m a horrible friend, it’s just that I...”
– Lee
July 2010
1 post
“Your nipples dance when you laugh.”
– Charles Fleischer during a stand-up routine
June 2010
3 posts
“In Rhode Island you don’t need clothes.”
– Viktor
At the bar
Me: what's Schmirnoff Ice like anyway?I've never had one.
Sassy gay Bartender: it's sort of like Mike's hard lemonade, but not as lemon-y. Basically it's just a sweet, hard waste of time.
“I need a mask; nun-chucks; rubber suit; shitloads of talc. Got list, will shop....”
– http://www.sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/
May 2010
1 post
Vanessa (paraphrase/summation): I don't want the dog park because it will interfere with my life.
Michael: Think a little more globally.
Vanessa (after a thoughtful pause): The whole idea of pets is a little dubious...
Michael: Okay, think a little less globally.
April 2010
1 post
“So it’s medicinal, and decorative. As all things in life should be.”
– Lauren
March 2010
5 posts
“I love dichotomies. Actually I hate them.”
Vanessa: How were the Oscars?
Steve: It was like a Fellini movie on crack.
“You look like you just rolled out of bed, then rolled up your bed and took it...”
– Tim, seeing me on my way to yoga
Lee: Can I go out for a cigarette break?
Katy: Yeah. It'll give my triangles time to thaw.
“I am slowly becoming a pirate.”
– Lee
February 2010
2 posts
“Just because there’s a hole doesn’t mean there should be something...”
– Jenny
“You can’t expect to walk in out of a snowstorm with a bag of carrots and...”
– Lauren
January 2010
2 posts
“Don’t be pulling on my goose down.”
– Bob
“If everybody would just take an hour a day, sit down, eat a PB&J sandwich...”
– Harley Newman
December 2009
7 posts
“I totaled your car; the least I can do is buy you a chicken.”
– Vanessa
“My New Year’s resolution is to divert all of my affectionate impulses...”
– Jill “the Wood Nymph” Summerville
“He’s gorgeous, great body, you know, amazing, but he’s got the...”
– Moira
Alyson: I had a cell phone enlightenment and realized I could put my cell phone in the refrigerator.
Vanessa: I never thought I'd hear the words cell phone, enlightenment, and refrigerator in the same sentence.
“The thing about Beth being a teacher is that she doesn’t like children.”
– Nora
“Parrots are a parodic representation of humanity.”
– me & Ellie